Finally Feel Good in Your Body: 4 Expert Steps to Feeling More Confident Today

Jake Shane (00:00:03):

I do not like how I feel about my body. I'll look in the mirror and I'll take my sides and I'll pull them back. I don't like my chin. I feel like I have a bump in my nose. I hate how short I am.

 

Mel Robbins (00:00:16):

That was Jake Shane. Now he's a comedian that's blowing up. And when I sat down with him, he opened up about things that his millions of followers were shocked to hear him say,

 

Jake Shane (00:00:26):

I just feel unhappy when I go to bed. I don't feel happy in my body.

 

Mel Robbins (00:00:32):

It's not just Jake, it's all of us. If only I was a different height, had better complexion, better hair, better teeth, lost the weight. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Turns out there's a name for it. It's called Auto phenomenon. And today on the Mel Robbins podcast, two world-renowned psychiatrists are here to help you feel more confident today.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:00:54):

We were never made to look at ourselves all the time. It affects women and men equally, boys and girls. Equally, we focus on, oh, my legs are short. Oh, my toes are gross, my ears are big. My chin sticks out. They're things that we can see as, oh, that's the problem. If I just fix this one thing, it'll be better. And I can tell you

 

Mel Robbins (00:01:12):

This is a conversation I wish I had had years ago because what you're about to learn will change the way you see and speak to yourself forever. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I cannot wait for today's conversation. And first of all, it's always such an honor to spend time together and to be with you. If you're new to the podcast, I also wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm excited that you're here for the conversation today because you made the time to listen to this particular episode. Here's what I know about you. I know that you not only value your time, but you also want to feel more confident and you want to know how to accept yourself and learn how to love who you are as you are.

 

(00:02:01):

And if you're here right now because somebody shared this episode with you, I want to point something out. It means that they care deeply about you and they want you to hear something and learn from some experts, some unbelievable information that is going to help you value yourself and be even more confident and you deserve that. And I think it's awesome that you have people in your life that care about you like that because today's conversation that we're going to have, it's a really important one, and I was inspired to do this because I sat down with a person by the name of Jake Shane. If you don't know Jake, trust me. Every single 20 something and every high schooler in your life knows exactly who Jake Shane is. He's a comedian who is blowing up everywhere. In fact, he just won a Webby Award for best comedic creator.

 

(00:02:49):

He is on a sold out tour right now all across the United States. He has a hit podcast called Therapists Huge YouTube and TikTok following. And I had the honor of sitting down with Jake and being on his podcast. And when we sat down together, he opened up in a way that he's never opened up before. He got so real. He said that he thinks he's ugly, he hates how he looks, he just hates that he's short. He obsesses over his body. And then he shared this painful story about when all of these feelings of self-hatred and body image started. And I thought to myself, how many of us have a story like this, this moment when somebody said something to you or you walked in a room and suddenly you felt like you were the tallest or the shortest or you didn't look like anybody else in there and you felt like you didn't belong and you started believing there was something wrong with you, your height, your skin, your stomach, your face, the acne hair, lack of hair.

 

(00:03:50):

I mean, who hasn't looked in the mirror and thought, I hate this. I hate how I look. Why do I look like this? I wish I could look like that. Now, it's normal to have a thought like that every once in a while, but when those thoughts become the soundtrack in your mind, when they stop you from showing up or from wearing a bathing suit or jumping in the photo with your friends or going to the beach or going out on a date or putting yourself out there when the thoughts about your body or your acne steal your confidence and they make you believe that you're not smart enough or worthy of love and happiness because of how you look, that's a problem. And I know you would agree that even though we know it's a problem, nobody really knows how to fix this, right?

 

(00:04:34):

Well, that conversation that I had with Jake Shane on his podcast about body image, it got me thinking about the fact that he said out loud what so many people including you feel privately. So I thought, I want to go deeper into this topic and that's what you and I are going to do today. And that's why I'm excited that you're here and I'm excited that you're going to take the time to listen to this and that you're also going to take the time to share this with people in your life where you're like, gosh, I wish they could just really see what I see. Why don't they see how beautiful they are? Why are they constantly hating on themselves? And I wanted you to understand, I wanted to understand why do so many of us feel this way and more importantly, what do you do about it?

 

(00:05:14):

So for today's episode, I'm doing something really special. I want to explain what you're about to hear. After my conversation with Jake Shane, I reached out to not one but two world renowned psychiatrist, Columbia University's, Dr. Judith Joseph and Harvard Medical School's, Dr. Ashwini Karney. These two experts are going to walk you through the topics of body image, self-acceptance and confidence. And it is so important for you to hear from the very start. If you don't like how you look, if you think you're ugly, if you think if only you could change certain aspects of your appearance, your chin, your nose, your this, you're that, oh, well then you'd be happier. Our experts will tell you this is normal. And you are also going to learn how life in the modern world is impacting your body image and your self-confidence so much more than you even realize.

 

(00:06:11):

You're going to learn about the connection between constantly seeing yourself on zoom, in selfies online, how that is negatively affecting your self image and your mental health. And most importantly, this is the Mel Robbins podcast. So you're not leaving here without simple things that you can do backed by research. And there are in fact four steps that our world renowned experts are going to walk you through that you can start to do as you are listening to our experts explain them. These are the steps that will help you learn how to accept and love yourself, particularly if you hate how you look, because I want you to hear something loud and clear from your friend, Mel, you're not broken. In fact, you are beautiful. You may not see it, but I do and so do the people that love you. And my mission with our conversation today is to get you to stop picking yourself apart and to stop caring so much about what other people may think and learn how to be kinder, more compassionate and more confident in seeing and celebrating your unique beautiful self.

 

(00:07:17):

And one more thing, Jake, if you're listening, I love you. I am so proud of you and thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and for giving us all permission to listen and to talk about this. So let me set up how we're going to dive into the topic. First, you're going to hear Jake Shane talk about how much he hates his looks and how it is impacting him and dating because one of the things that he really wants is to be in a relationship. And you're also going to hear Jake open up about how his height and deep insecurities make him feel like a real relationship not going to happen. But let me be very clear, this is not a dating episode. This is a deeper conversation. It's about something most of us carry quietly and constantly in the background.

 

(00:08:09):

It's about the thing you hate about yourself. And so I want you to stop and think about that one thing. Is it your complexion, your body, your teeth, your thighs, your voice, your face, the way it looks in photos, your hair, that thing that you constantly zero in on and rip apart that thing that makes you want to hide or not smile or not speak up at work because we can be honest with one another. Most of us are not walking around thinking, oh my God, I'm just so beautiful today. You're walking around thinking, I look hideous. I'm this, I'm that. I'm not enough. My outfit blows. I wish I looked like this. But what's really going on underneath all this criticism is deep down you're afraid that what you look like is going to get in the way of the life you want. You've convinced yourself that you're the problem.

 

(00:08:57):

And when that belief takes root, when you think you're too ugly, too different, too short, too much ac acne, too far gone, too old, too this, too saggy, too baggy, it doesn't just keep you from love, it keeps you from life that craving for connection, whether it's with a romantic partner or friends or being seen at work or just being somebody who gets you, it often masks something even more powerful, a deeper need to feel worthy. You deserve that. You deserve to feel like you're allowed to take up space, to be seen and to be celebrated, and to stop apologizing for your body. So that's where we're going today because here's what I believe. You are not ugly, you're not unlovable, and if you ever felt like you don't deserve the things you want, whether it's a relationship or intimacy or just someone to hold your hand,

(00:10:47):

And if you ever felt like that, if you ever avoided the mirror stood in the back of a photo or laughed off a compliment because you just couldn't believe it was true, keep listening. You have to believe that you're worthy of being fully seen and that being seen, this isn't insecurity that's stopping you. You're afraid if somebody sees you naked or they see you without your makeup on, or they see that you're actually bald and not the guy in the photo that you posted online, that they're going to reject you. I mean, it makes total sense when you carry shame or judgment about your body, your past, your face, or the one thing you hate about yourself. It feels safer to keep people at arm's length, right? Because then you don't have to risk rejection, but that same armor that's protecting you as you act cool and you cross your arms and you put on the makeup and the perfect outfit and you always have a towel around you because you don't want them to see you naked, it also keeps love out. And that's why this moment with Jake hit me so hard. See, I asked Jake, well, if you know what you want, Jake, what's the biggest issue when it comes to dating? This is what Jake Shane had to say.

 

Jake Shane (00:12:01):

I feel my main issue with dating is I am so insecure. I don't know how I'm going to share. I feel like when you're in a relationship, you share your body with someone almost. You have to be so vulnerable, and I struggle so much to be frank, being naked with someone.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:21):

Have you ever been in a long-term committed relationship?

 

Jake Shane (00:12:24):

Never.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:24):

And is part of it because you're uncomfortable being naked with somebody?

 

Jake Shane (00:12:28):

Yes, I would say that's a huge, huge reason. It's how I carry myself. I don't give off that. I want to take off my clothes and be with someone.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:39):

Wow, never been in a long-term committed relationship because you're uncomfortable being naked with someone that sucks. And I have a feeling that you or somebody that you love can relate to that because the truth is most people don't say that out loud. Most of us kind of keep the lights off and slink off to the bathroom. Most of us kind of pull our clothes together and hide our bodies, but that's exactly what Jake Shane's talking about and that kind of insecurity, it doesn't just make you self-conscious, it makes you hide and it makes you feel unworthy of the person that you're with because when you're shrinking away from the very things that you want most, whether it's love, connection, partnership, because deep down there's this fear, if they really saw me, if they knew the real me, they wouldn't want me. That's why I wanted to bring in two world renowned experts to help us really unpack what's going on.

 

(00:13:41):

Because Jake Shane's not the only person that feels this way. He's just got the courage and the confidence to talk about it because he's probably sick and tired of letting this hold him back. And I want you to hold on to the thing that you're judging yourself around the ways in which you are shrinking as you listen to the experts who are going to join in on the conversation. And our experts are Dr. Judith Joseph, who is a double board certified psychiatrist. She's a leading mental health researcher and the author of the brand new bestseller, high Functioning. She's also a podcast favorite around here on the Mel Robbins podcast. And Dr. Ashwini, who is a professor at Harvard Medical School and a board certified psychiatrist at Mass General Brigham specializes in anxiety, depression, O-C-D-P-T-S-D, and A DHD. She's also the associate medical director of Brigham Psychiatric Specialties and interim Vice chair for the faculty affairs in the department of psychiatry. Now, both Dr. Ashwini and Dr. Joseph are here to help unpack these topics further for you and me,

Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, MD (00:15:03):

First, I think it's helpful to define what we mean by body image issues. When people experience negative body image, what we mean by that is that there's a difference between what they view as their real self and what their idealized self is. There's this concept of who they think they are and who they think they should be. Now, with negative body image, there are a number of different influential factors. Gender, age, race, ethnicity, all of those can playable, but sociocultural factors can also be influential, for instance, or social values and are cultural norms. Now, as children age, their family members may initially play a role in their body image, but after some time they're going to be exposed to their peer groups and then they're going to start consuming media. For instance, the TV that they watch, the movies that they view, the books that they read, the magazine ads, and of course social media consumption, they're going to be exposed to that concept of the idealized body image, and then that difference between their real self and their idealized self is going to be that much more prominent.

 

Mel Robbins (00:16:23):

Wow, there was a lot to unpack in that explanation from Dr. Ash. But as you listen, didn't she just put words to something that you feel but you don't know how to explain? And I want to highlight a couple things. The fact that this is really a issue where you have a difference between who you are in reality and this idealized version in your mind that you think you should be. So when you're talking about that in the context of body image, it's like what you look like versus what you think you should look like, and that gap between the real self that's you and this idealized fantasy self that you have in your mind. This gap is where all the pain lives. This is where you and I pick ourselves apart. I look like this, but I want to look like that. This is where you compare.

 

(00:17:21):

It's why you put filters on your face. It's why you freeze when people call on you at work because you don't want to be seen. You think you should look and sound different. What Dr. Ash is pointing out is that you and I constantly hold this idealized version of ourselves over our own heads, and this is exactly what Jake is feeling. He's not struggling with how he looks. I really want to highlight this. He's not struggling with how he looks. He is wrestling with the belief that there's a better version of him. And until he becomes that better looking version, he's not worthy of love. Just stop and consider that because you do the same thing. You say, there's a better looking version of me. And until I become that version and fix these things, then I'm not worthy of the life and the experiences that I want.

 

(00:18:20):

Do you know how heartbreaking that is to feel this way, but never say it aloud? I really have to applaud Jake Shane because he did. And the moment he said it out loud as we were talking, something shifted. Because when you name the thing that you're ashamed of, even just once you take away, its power to silently control you and it allows you to take one small powerful step toward the life you've been keeping yourself from living. Now, just a heads up, Jake and I are buddies, and you're going to hear a little bit of back and forth and banter and playfulness, a little bit of tough love. We're going to interrupt each other. It's okay, but I want you to listen closely to what Jake shares because it is really important.

 

Jake Shane (00:19:09):

I'm a really confident guy, but I do not like how I feel about my body, and I don't like how I feel about how I look on the outside.

 

Mel Robbins (00:19:21):

Okay,

 

Jake Shane (00:19:22):

I'll look in the mirror and I'll take my sides and I'll pull them back like this.

 

Mel Robbins (00:19:26):

I've done that.

 

Jake Shane (00:19:27):

I would like to just shave my sides off. I have a bigger bosom area, so I would like that to be flatter. I've been working out my arms a lot, but it's not toned. It's more just bigger. I'd like to shrink it. I don't like my chin. I feel like I have kind of a double chin. I feel like I have a bump in my nose, but that's kind of the least of it. And then I really, at the end of the day, I hate how short I am. I don't think it's fair, really and truly. I think more guys would want me if I was taller. That's at the end of the day, what I think.

 

Mel Robbins (00:20:05):

Do you want to know why more guys don't want you?

 

Jake Shane (00:20:06):

Why?

 

Mel Robbins (00:20:07):

Because you don't want yourself. You're focused on height because it's distracting you from actually doing the work of learning how to look in the mirror and say, I am going to do life with that guy. You only get to do life with one person from the moment you're born to the moment that you die, you have one person to take care of. It's you. It's you. And so the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to learn how to look in the mirror and go, alright, this is what I got. This is the hand I was dealt. And there comes a point in time in life and I learned this so fucking late. I don't want you to do this to yourself. You have to learn if you want to be happier, you have to learn how to allow yourself to be happier. And there's something about you and the way you won't allow yourself to be happier.

 

Jake Shane (00:21:06):

Yeah, I don't know why

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:11):

Sometimes you don't have to. Sometimes I think the first step in changing your life is admitting to yourself that how you're doing it is no longer working. You can be funny as hell and super successful and and actually allow yourself to be happy with who and how you are.

 

Jake Shane (00:21:33):

I just feel unhappy. I base all my happiness and other things that happen to me. I am not happy when I go to bed. I don't feel happy in my body. I don't feel happy in myself. I just don't.

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:51):

That is so relatable and so painful. I don't feel happy in my body. I don't feel happy in myself. I just don't. Maybe you can relate to what Jake is saying that when I go to bed at night, I don't feel happy in my body. I don't feel happy in myself. And maybe you're confident. Maybe you got a full life, you show up at work, you're doing the best that you can, but still, there's this one thing that you can't stand. And Jake went on and on the bump in his, no, that's the least of it. The boobs, the fact that he wants to shave off his sides. I've said the same thing about the saddlebags that are starting to hit. Those kind of things that hang down on your face as you get older. The one thing you wish you could change, if only I could get rid of that, then I'd be happier. The part of you that no matter what else is going on, still makes you feel less than. So let me ask you something. Why do you do this to yourself? Why are you so quick to pick yourself apart? Why is it so hard to look in the mirror and just be okay with what you see?

(00:24:18):

You're not meant to do that. What's making you curate yourself? Judge yourself. It's exhausting. And here's the truth, everybody feels the same way. It's the world we live in. In fact, while we were working on this episode, oh my gosh, the discussions with the producing team here at 1 4 3 studios, we have this incredible video director, editor, David Love him. He was telling us that he had this ordinary morning. He was walking to work in Boston. He worked at this huge multinational corporation, big glass, gorgeous building. You can imagine the type. And as he is walking into work, just random day, he catches his reflection in the window of the building. And then he noticed something, his knees, the way his pants slightly bend inward as he walks. And just like that, it became a thing. He couldn't stop seeing it. He couldn't stop wondering, do I walk weird?

 

(00:25:15):

Do my legs look weird? Are my legs kind of bent? In a weird way, he didn't even stop and consider, is it this weird glass thing that's distorting it? And it made him though feel off, embarrassed, uncomfortable in his body. It made him want to shrink. And so if you're listening to this and you know that thing, whether it's the way your legs look when you walk or the something that happens with your shoulder when you're talking, you're not alone. And I'm here to tell you it's not your fault. And I have science to back this up. We were never meant to see ourselves this much. Not in the mirror, not on zoom, not in selfies, not on videos, not even reflected in the buildings we're walking past. The truth is you're not wired for constant self surveillance. You're wired for something else. You're wired to be connected to other people.

 

(00:26:06):

And this is so fascinating that I'm like, okay, what's the research here? And so I wanted to go even deeper because you and I need help understanding why is all of this messing with our mind, our body image, and our self-confidence. So I called up our second world renowned expert to help us understand and get additional insights into what is seeing yourself all the time in modern life doing to you. Now, this is a woman who has led over 60 clinical research trials. She focuses on the high functioning mental health issues that so many people hide, like anxiety and depression. I'm talking about none other than Dr. Judith Joseph. And what she explained stopped me in my tracks. It was something I had never heard before. She said, oh, Mel, this is a phenomenon. It's called the auto scope phenomenon, and it perfectly explains why you feel so self-critical all the time. Here's how Dr. Judith explained it, why it's harder than ever, not just for you to shake the self-criticism and the issues with body image. Check this out.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:27:17):

It's interesting because we were never made to look at ourselves all the time, but now we can't escape it. We're on these virtual meetings. We see ourselves where we're talking to other people, we're doing FaceTime. We see ourselves, we're creating content. We see ourselves, and actually before we even had this ability to do this, there was something called the scopic phenomenon. And it's in the psychiatry world where actually it was considered to be a symptom of psychosis to see yourself outside of yourself. So that actually creates so much anxiety for patients who let's say have psychosis like schizophrenia or psychotic symptoms related to bipolar disorder or other psychotic conditions. And it's disturbing because our brains and our eyes are made to look at other people and to judge their behavior and to get feedback from their behavior. That's how our brains were set up. Our brains weren't set up to do that when looking at ourselves. So that's why this auto phenomenon is really important to look at. And we're seeing some of this happening in real life with people who aren't psychotic, with people who don't have severe mental health issues, where it's creating anxiety for them to be constantly looking at their own image. It's just really unnatural.

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:36):

Okay, let's just take that in for a minute because that's incredible that human beings, you and me, we are actually not wired to see ourselves outside of ourselves. And Dr. Judith wasn't done, just get this next part that she explained.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:29:00):

Our eyes were designed to look at others and to judge others to adapt. For example, we were designed with a brain to look at someone's face, their behavior, look at where their hands are as a way to protect ourselves and also as a way to connect with others. If you're not able to look at someone to see whether or not they're burring, they're making a little wrinkle hair or they're looking sad, you don't know how to respond to them in order to attach, because humans need other people to survive. So because our brains were designed to only look at other people in order to either survive because of living with them or to survive by fleeing from them, it's very unnatural for us to be looking at our own image because then what happens is that we start to judge ourselves, which is unnatural. We were never designed to be this way.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:51):

That last line, we were never designed to be this way. We were actually not designed to judge ourselves. We were designed to judge other people either for connection or to be like uhoh, stay away from that person. But now, because we see ourselves all the time, holy cow, that judging mechanism, we're now aiming it at ourselves. And you've experienced this when you're on a zoom call or a FaceTime call, and as you are talking or you're in a meeting, you're thinking, why does my face look like that? I better change the angle. There's even a center at Stanford that studies this phenomenon. Now they called it zoom fatigue, which to me just sounds like your brain is tired. But what Dr. Judith is actually saying is, no, no, no, no. Zoom fatigue is not just that your brain is tired. Zoom fatigue is that when you're staring at yourself, you lose perspective. You don't see yourself clearly. You now start judging yourself.

Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, MD (00:30:59):

A study that was conducted during COVID lockdown amongst nearly 7,000 people actually showed that people, because they were constantly looking at pictures of themselves on videos, in meetings, nearly 30% of those individuals said that they had so much anxiety about coming back in to in-person meetings. They were considering getting corrective action such as plastic surgery. So it goes to show you that as much as we are engaging in that process of social comparison between that real self and that ideal life self, it really has a powerful effect on our psyches and our mental health and possible anxiety and depression as it did in that case.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:42):

You know what I love about this conversation is that it seems like every problem in today's world is blamed on social media. And I love that we're going deeper and understanding the deeper levers and drivers in terms of the way that you're hardwired and how it's backfiring. Because it's not just social media, it's the constant taking of photos and the taking of videos. It's the looking at yourself online. No wonder anxiety is up. No wonder confidence is down because it's not just about what you're seeing in the mirror. You not only have this gap between the person that you are and this idealized version, and then you start beating yourself up because you think you should look a different way. But now you add in the fact that you are seeing other people's filtered versions and highlight reels over and over and over again. And so your idealized self is completely unattainable.

 

(00:32:38):

And on top of this, you're not wired for this. You're not supposed to see yourself, and frankly, you're not supposed to see everybody else all the time either. And so I was really curious about how all of this is fueling and connected to the rise in body and face criticism why so many people are turning to cosmetic procedures or these 70 step face routines. So I went back to Dr. Judith Joseph to get her take, and I asked her, Dr. Judith, do you think the rise in body and face issues in terms of people criticizing themselves and feeling anxiety about how they look and the surge in cosmetic procedures, does it have something to do with how we're constantly seeing ourselves and we're not designed to do this? Here's what she had to say.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:33:30):

I've seen this over the years as someone who treats adults and children, people going to constantly get procedures done, painful procedures, often unnecessary procedures that their doctors are like, listen, I don't see what you see. But if it makes you happy, you can make this adjustment with plastic surgery, but it's never ending. When we look at the science of happiness in my lab, when you have this idea that I will be happy when, and then you get the thing right, you get the plastic surgery, you're still not happy. You're still looking for other things to fix. I see this all the time when people are fixated on specific physical aspects of themselves that other people don't agree with. And what I found in my practice is that this is almost always related to some trauma early in life. One of the symptoms of trauma is internalizing, shame, blame and low self-worth.

 

(00:34:23):

The person's trying to fix this thing on the outside, but it's really something that needs to be repaired on the inside in terms of their self-worth. But also, society is showing us that there's this standard of beauty, and if you don't fit it, then you're not beautiful. And because we have so much access to all of these images of other people who are beautiful, we have way more metrics to compare ourselves against. So it's a combination of unrepaired, internal trauma and what we're seeing on the outside in terms of societal pressures, while we're seeing these numbers go up in terms of the amounts of procedures that are cosmetic,

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:01):

I want to highlight something about what Dr. Judith is explaining that's really important. You think if you fix one thing on the outside, you will finally feel better on the inside, but it's never about the one thing that you see. And look, I'm not a psychiatrist. Luckily, Dr. Judith is here, and she dug into this even deeper to explain the connection between our obsession with how we look versus the deeper things that need healing that will actually make us happier. Check this out.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:35:35):

It's usually related to some early or early life trauma. And the person has, instead of resolving that inner wound, they have displaced this onto this external thing. As humans, we like to quantify. So we focus on the concrete, we focus on, oh, my legs are short. Or we focus on, oh, my toes are gross, and we focus on these things. My ears are big, my chin sticks out. And these are the things that we can control because our concrete brains grasp onto them. They're things that we can see as, oh, that's the problem, and if I just fix this one thing, it'll be better. And I can tell you, I've had these patients over the years where they'll get the surgery and they still find something else because it's not that one concrete physical thing, it's something within that it's all tied to this unresolved wound.

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:24):

I know you probably feel the same way that I do when these world renowned experts come on and tell us what we do. Don't want to hear. Because like you, I am certain that if I just had longer hair or if I were just a little bit thinner, or if my skin were a little bit clearer or my voice were a little bit deeper, then all my problems would go away. And that's not what the science and the research says it all. What Dr. Judith and Dr. As are saying is that we're chasing the wrong fix. Changing your appearance might give you a little boost, but it's not going to heal this feeling of being unworthy. It's not going to take care of that feeling that I just am not happy, even though I did that thing to fix the thing that I thought I would fix because the wound was never physical to begin with.

 

(00:37:14):

And that brings me to the four simple steps that according to Dr. Ash and according to Dr. Judith, these are the research back steps that you need to take in order to break free from all of this criticism and start feeling better and accepting yourself today. So let's talk about these four steps. The first one and the second one we've already kind of covered, but I really want to take a highlight and make sure you understand. You've already done step one and you've already done step two. And step one is acknowledge that the world you live in today, the culture, that's the problem. You're not the problem, okay? You are not the problem. It's the world and the culture that we live in. The world that you live in is set up in a way to make you feel dissatisfied with yourself. The selfies, the videos, the Snapchats, the Zoom calls, the FaceTime calls.

 

(00:38:07):

You're constantly exposed to images of yourself. And as you're learning, you are not designed to see yourself. You are designed to see and connect with other people to scrutinize what they're doing in order to know if there's somebody you want to connect with or there's somebody you want to stay away from. And so when you see yourself, which you're not designed to do, automatically, that same scrutiny kicks in. So it's not just the sheer number of photos either. I mean, think about what happened during the pandemic when everything shifted to video, suddenly every meeting, every conversation, every class on camera, that means you had to stare at yourself all day long. And when you're constantly staring at yourself, you're also constantly judging yourself. But here's the truth, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need a different face. You don't need a different body. You need a different relationship with the body, the face, and the life you already have.

 

(00:39:12):

Turn off the camera, get off social media. And if you're unwilling to get off social media, how about you audit who you follow? Because if your feed is filled with photoshopped models and influencers living a fake life trying to sell you stuff, that's not helping, because step one starts with understanding this, you're not the problem. Today's culture is the problem because it's screwing up how your brain is designed to move through the world and what you're supposed to be looking at. Doesn't it feel good to say, oh, it's not me. I'm perfectly imperfectly beautiful. There's only one me, period. And step two, you have to look back before you can move forward.

(00:40:11):

Because here's what I know to be true. Here is what Dr. Judith and Dr. Ash said over and over. You didn't come into this world hating your body. You were not born picking yourself apart in the mirror. All that shame, all that self-judgment, all that criticism, all of that belief that something is wrong with how you look, it was taught to you. Maybe it came from a kid at school who made fun of your nose. Maybe it was a comment from a family member about your weight that stuck like glue. Maybe it was somebody constantly fussing with the way that you dressed or your teeth or your skin or whatever. Maybe it was the pressure of growing up online and constantly scrolling past people that you thought looked better than you, or whose life looked better than yours. And you started to tell yourself, well, that's what beauty's supposed to look like.

 

(00:40:59):

But here's what I want you to know. And this is good news. If it was taught, it can be unlearned. If you learn to hate yourself, you can learn to love yourself. If somebody else taught you to criticize yourself or to make you believe that you were not good enough because of how you looked, you can unlearn this crap and you need to. And part of that unlearning is understanding why you became so critical in the first place. That's where the healing and those roots may go a lot further back than you realize. And in order to prove this, let's go back to our buddy Jake Shane. What he shares next is not just about body image, it's about the exact moment shame gets planted and how fast it grows when you're not willing to talk about it. I asked Jake, where did you get the idea that there was something wrong with your body? This is what Jake Shane had to say.

 

Jake Shane (00:42:04):

Someone made a comment when I was in fourth or fifth grade, and it really stuck with me.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:09):

What did they say?

 

Jake Shane (00:42:10):

That I was fat.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:11):

Okay.

 

Jake Shane (00:42:12):

And I

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:15):

Was it in a situation too where you guys were all getting undressed in a,

 

Jake Shane (00:42:20):

I don't know what, I forget. I was wearing a rash guard, I think. Yeah, it was horrible. And then I really lived my life on the internet for my entire life. I spend my entire life on the internet. My parents love them for this. Let me watch whatever I wanted to. At a young age, I was introduced to what sex is based on a multimillion dollar movie. So those men are ripped.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:46):

Oh, got it. Yep.

 

Jake Shane (00:42:48):

So that's what I'm thinking a normal person looks like. And then also in the gay scene, it's very, very, very body focused. And I don't really know. I always felt like my body was weird. And watching people on tv, I still felt like it was weird. And then because of that, I then had a weird relationship with food. And I'm like, do okay. I remain in the kitchen, so I'm just going to eat a lot less. And then I end up binging, and I just, at the end of the day, I just have a horrible relationship with my body.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:22):

I just have to give Jake a huge shout out for being this honest about the way that this is played out in his life and what has triggered him to basically look at other people and go, oh, I don't look like that. Therefore, I don't belong and I'm not good enough and I need to change if I want the positive things in my life. And he's talking about how being made fun of for his body, being called fat, maybe you were called fat. And then constantly seeing idealized images on TV and social media completely shaped the way he saw himself and his worth. Now remember, it's about who you are for real versus the idealized version. And so the teasing and the images that he sees on TV and social media is what created the idealized version. You have the same thing because it's not just shake shame that struggles with this.

 

(00:44:20):

It happens to you too, happens to all of us. Let me give you an example. I already said that as we were creating this episode, our entire team was talking about the topic, and we all could come up with an example. I'll give you another one. One of our producers, Cameron, who is producing this episode, shared a moment from when she was in fifth grade. She walked into school one morning and the school secretary made a comment about a birth mark that she has on her face. Now, that might not seem like a big deal to an adult, but to a kid in fifth grade, that comment changes everything. It makes you feel super self-conscious because somebody's talking about it. And here's what most people don't realize. The brain of a child is different from the brain of an adult. And if you're young and someone points something out, what's that?

 

(00:45:15):

Why do you walk like that? What's up with your teeth? Why is your skin? So how come you have so many freckles? Do you burn? What is that thing on your face? Wow, you got short legs. How are you so tall? Your hair is kind of kinky. It just lands in a way that imprints, because what happens when somebody points something out is they're basically saying, you look different. There's something wrong with you. And when you're a kid, you don't have the tools to question it. So what do you do? You absorb it. So again, think about that thing, that part of you that you hate, that thing that you obsess over, that you wish you could change of only this thing, which if only my stomach, if only my thighs, if only my butt was a bubble butt and wasn't like flappy pancakes. Or maybe if my butt was flat and not a bubble, but we all have a moment just like Cameron's, just like Jake's. And sure, as an adult, you kind of shrug it off. You say, it doesn't matter. It happened a long time ago. I'm fine. But when you're a kid, it mattered. All right? It is part of this gap that we're talking about, and there's a reason why it matters now to figure this out. And so let's go back to Dr. Judith, our world renowned psychiatrist, because I asked her, why do these early experiences stick with us so deeply and impact us as adults? And this is what Dr. Judith has to say.

 

Dr. Judith Joseph, MD (00:46:48):

I've had so many patients over the years where they focus on one thing. I've had patients who, and it affects women and men equally, boys and girls equally, usually starts in adolescence. At that tender age, you're looking for acceptance. That's when there are these stages of development, Eric Erickson, where around that pre cent age, you're just trying to figure out where you fit in life. But if someone is mean enough, or even if they didn't realize they would be mean to point out that that made you unlovable or unacceptable, that adolescent brain views rejection as being physically. So when you look at the brain of an adolescent who's being rejected and ridiculed the same parts of the brain, light up as if you were being killed versus adults, it's not as intense. So that is why bullying is so problematic, because when you're that young, being accepted is so important because that's when you're building your identity and who you are. And if you had a major wound during that time and someone says you're not lovable because you're short or you're ugly or you're fat or you're funny face, and then you reject because of it that sticks with you.

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:00):

It not only sticks with you, it becomes part of the wiring for why you are constantly harping on yourself. That's what I meant when I said, you weren't born this way. Somebody taught you to think this way. And the good news about recognizing that somebody else taught you to reject yourself is that you can unlearn it. And that's why before we can go forward, we got to go backward and really identify, this is not how I talked to myself when I was little. This is how some jerks talked to me, and then I just adopted it. And it's important to really understand that this fused, because she just told you that when this happens to a child, a child's ridiculed or rejected, when you were ridiculed or rejected as a child, the brain lights up the same way as it does when you're physically injured.

 

(00:48:56):

And it's important to understand that because you don't just brush it off, it becomes part of the wiring and the belief system. That's how real this is. And so I'm sure you're thinking, okay, I got this. It's culture's problem. I'm not designed to stare at myself. Check step one, step two, I got to go backwards and accept the fact that somebody taught me to criticize myself and I'm now going to unlearn it. So what is step three? Well, for step three, we are going to go to Dr. Ash, because